And I wondered… Did he got hit in the head? Could it possibly be from the coffee he just drank? Or the cake he just consumed? Is it food poison? Maybe he needed to have his eyes checked. He’s seeing things. Is he even looking at me?
I must’ve been hearings things. He didn’t just call me beautiful, did he?
“Your eyes sparkle when you passionately talk about what you write.”
Okay, so this is now getting weirder and weirder.
“Stop that.” I told him. “You don’t need to flatter me. I know what I am and what I am not. Now, if you tell me how brilliant my mind is, I’ll believe you.”
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Now that was a real conversation that happened months back. I have been analyzing why I react so negatively to compliments about the way I look especially coming from the opposite sex. I have finally realized why. Society had told me, to my face, in almost every way and every single day of my life that I am not attractive because of what I weigh.
While consciously I look at myself in the mirror and think, “You are beautiful!.” I subconsciously believe I am really not attractive.
This just leads to the idea that maybe the reason why I am single is not because I am unattractive. The reason could be because I have pushed away every guy that has found me attractive because consciously or not I feel like there must be something inherently wrong with them in order for them to like me or see me the way they see me.
While I am losing weight and gaining more confidence, I am also trying to figure out how I can become “unbrainwashed” from this way of thinking.
If I can’t love every inch of myself, how can I love anyone else the way they deserve? How can I mentally become a woman that’s sexy and she knows it?
Like I said, consciously, I look at myself in the mirror and I think “You look so pretty today!” but as soon as a guy tells me, “Oh you look so pretty today!” I would automatically think “Shut up, you creep.”
I’d like to think that realizing this behavior is the first step.
To go from INSECURE to I’M SECURE.
A Girl in Training Heels 